Often, some of the most difficult conflicts of values we’ll face is with the people we love the most. Many of us were taught through codependent patterns and practices that love means always agreeing with one another on the things that matter most.
This kind of thinking is reinforced through scripture that tells us that husband and wife should be “one flesh”- which was often interpreted to mean that you should become like one person. We also hear this kind of ideology when referring to the church community or the “body of Christ”. We are referred to as parts of one being, instead of being separate individuals with interests, priorities, and needs of our own (1 Corinthians 12:27). In Mormonism, the church is told, “if ye are not one, ye are not mine” (Doctrine and Covenants 38:27).
When we were still immersed in high demand religion, these kinds of conflicts may not have arisen between us before because we were all outsourcing our sense of personal values to church authorities and their interpretations of scripture and God’s will. It felt like we were on the same page because we were both following the same cookie-cutter rules coming from the same authority figures.
Now that one or both of you have begun reclaiming a personal identity, you’ll likely discover that you’ll have individual preferences and priorities in life. Learning to create safe space to discuss those differences and make space for both sets of values can help you develop a healthy sense of interdependency.
In this episode, we talk about how to begin doing that.
Creighton, James L. Ph.D. “When the Fight is Over Values”. June 20, 2019. Psychology Today.
OptionsNow.org. “Two Different Religions: Raising Kids Successfully”. April 7, 2020. Options Now- A Life Choice Clinic.
Dr. Sarah Schewitz. “Navigating Different Values in a Relationship”. July 22, 2022. CouplesLearn.com
Shetty, Jay. “8 Rules for Perfect Love and Amazing Sex“. January 30, 2023. Diary of a Ceo Podcast. YouTube.com
Smith, Sylvia. “How to Stay Together When You Are Different From Each Other.” April 1, 2021. Marriage.com
NEED COUPLES OR RELIGIOUS TRAUMA COACHING?
I am currently taking a break from one to one coaching as I devote my time to writing a book on understanding and establishing healthy boundaries, but my husband, Kevin, is now taking new clients as a couples and religious trauma coach.
He’s a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Colorado and offers therapy in person, by video call, and by telephone within state lines, but can provide therapy-informed coaching outside of the state and even outside of the country.
To find out more about how to work with him, check out his page on the Colorado Counseling Center website. Click on the link labeled “Schedule with Kevin” to talk with his secretary, Annette, about how to work with him in either capacity as a therapist or as a coach. She’ll be able to give you all of the information you need to decide if working with Kevin is the right fit for you.
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